Globe Syndicate
For release Friday October 24, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
UNHAPPINESS MAY NEED
ENVIRONMENT CHANGE
Question: My father, 81, is in an assisted living residence. He is very unhappy
and very critical of us for “putting” him there. He says he can’t talk with
anyone and no one laughs at his jokes. He can’t really live alone.
Answer: I would be most unhappy if I were in your father’s shoes. Obviously he
is mentally “with it.” Often families move an elder into an ALF without
carefully checking out the other residents. This is a must “to do.”
Re-evaluate the residence and what programs it offers. If bingo and simple
crafts play a major role in activities, it’s not the place for your father.
Look into a senior residence or independent living facility. And make sure he is
an active participant in the search of someplace else and the final decision.
Question: My parents (late 80s) should not be living alone as they can’t take
care of themselves or the house. We want them to move to an assisted living
residence. They refuse!
Answer: Assisted living is a great alternative for a somewhat confused elder who
cannot take care of self. Then appropriate oversight and help are fight there.
For mentally alert elders, home is the best place - bringing in appropriate
help. We had a live-in housekeeper for six years. This arrangement worked well.
My parents ate better than ever before; the house was cleaner, and someone was
there for emergencies.
My parents “controlled” their own life style and activities. Self control is
important in helping elders maintain their own self esteem and feelings of
worth.
If you hire someone, make sure your parents participate in the interviewing
process and ultimate choice. It is critical they feel comfortable with someone
else living in their home.
Question: My parents have now moved my grandmother, 87, three times in the past
five years. No nursing home seems to be “good enough.” My grandmother is now
very confused and seems emotionally “lost.” My parents won’t listen to me.
Answer: You’re right to be concerned. Moving an elder can be very upsetting,
even in the best of situations.
First, before anyone should move a loved one into a nursing home or even an
assisted living home, a careful evaluation should be made. And many questions
asked - and satisfactorily answered.
Visit the facility, first without an appointment. Check out the obvious:
cleanliness, decor and overall ambiance, odors, how staff moves through the
home. Make an appointment late morning or afternoon - just before lunch or
dinner. Visit the dining room and see how it is run. Talk to residents about
food quality.
Ask about: staff to resident ratio, staff turnover rate, therapy services,
social activities, medical oversight. Talk to residents’ families and check both
the local Consumer Affairs Bureau and state licensing agency to see if there are
any outstanding complaints.
If you grandmother has special needs, consider hiring privately a health aide to
help out.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 498 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.