Globe Syndicate
For release Friday October 31, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
GRIEF IS REAL:
UNDERSTANDING NEEDED
1st of 2 Parts
Question: My mother died three months ago, and my father, 78, has become
reclusive, slovenly, and listless. He refuses to talk about his feelings. How
can we help him?
Answer: Grief is different for everyone, and bereavement is the emotional
distress caused by the loss of a loved one. While the course of bereavement may
differ, the changes in one’s daily life are stressful in themselves and should
not be minimized.
The resulting feelings caused by death are called “separation distress.” This
disrupts a person’s normal biological and emotional balance. This is normal.
Depending on the severity of the distress, it can affect the conduct of daily
life in a variety of ways. Besides crying, grief may be expressed with sorrowful
moods of varying lengths and depths, disruption of sleep, loss of appetite; and
apathy. More severe signs include fear for own mortality, anxiety, preoccupation
with things association with the deceased, illusory experiences, vivid dreams,
or even hallucinations. I call death a “hole in the fabric of life.” It’s not
easily repaired.
Patience on your part is needed. At the same time, intervene if his health is at
risk.
Understand that about 40% of people experience the most intense grief right
after a death. It usually lessens after five or six months. About 25% of
survivors experience intense grief for the first year. And about a third will
never express severe emotions.
The social readjustment time also differs from person to person. For probably
two years after my mother died, something would happen, and I’d think “Oh, I
have to tell mommy!” Only to realize she was no longer here.
I sometimes think it’s harder for a man to adjust because a wife is usually the
caregiver. So expectations change. What was done before by someone else needs
now to be handled by him. Examples include laundry, house cleaning, shopping,
cooking etc. The daily life lifeline.
At this point, identify the problems and needs, and help him deal with his
needs. Bring in help to do the cleaning, shopping, and perhaps cooking. My
father could cook his own breakfast and take his own lunch - until almost 94.
But there was no way he could have planned, much less cook, a complete dinner.
Nor could he have done laundry or cleaned the house.
Question: My father passed away suddenly. My mother, 72, is like a lost child
and has no idea how to even write a check. We want her to move in with us. She
refuses.
Answer: Good for her. Your objective should be to “empower” her to live on her
own. An empowerment series is scheduled for the beginning of next year. In the
meantime, teach her the skills she needs. The articles SFTSG003 (Family Focus)
on our website www.sandwichgeneration.com tells how two daughters helped their
mother gain confidence, learn how to handle mail and her bank account, and
maintain independence, well into her 90s.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 504 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.