Globe Syndicate
For release Friday November 07, 2003
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
PROLONGED GRIEF NEEDS
PROFESSIONAL HELP
2nd of 2 Parts
Question: How long is “too long” for a person to accept and adjust to the death
of a spouse? It is now 11 months since my father died. My mother, 69, goes to
church every single day and gets hysterical if she can’t go. Is this normal?
Answer: Getting hysterical is not normal! People can connect with God and
comfort in any place.
The course of bereavement refers to the emotional distress caused by the death
of a loved one. The length of time and intensity of feelings vary. No one single
method can simply resolve grief. There is, as I say, no magic wand. Working
through emotions takes time, and the ability to regain emotional balance may not
be easy. Grief should not be rushed or avoided.
It sounds as if your mother, who is still really young, may have some unresolved
issues. If her grief has interrupted her prior lifestyle pattern, disrupting her
ability to function and enjoy life, then professional help is needed.
Her minister or priest may be a good starting point. Also, a support group
sponsored by the church or the local hospital. If your father died of a specific
illness, that disease organization probably has a support group. Or if these
don’t help, help should be sought from a psychologist who specializes with
geriatric issues.
In cases of severe depression, then a medical doctor should be consulted.
Question: My brother recently passed away and my mother, 77, spends most of the
day in bed. She says she wants to “join” my brother. My father is beside
himself.
Answer: Severe depression as exhibited by your mother needs to be treated by a
medical doctor experienced with dealing with depression and knowledgeable about
various medications available.
Before a doctor is consulted, you should try to find a support group that deals
with loss of child issues.
Question: My father, 90, was unable to have his flower garden this past summer
as he moved to an assisted living residence. He is very depressed and refuses to
participate in any activities.
Answer: Your father has suffered two major losses: his own home with full
control of his daily life and his garden, which gave him immense pleasure.
Identify how his flower growing abilities can be used in the ALF - both inside
and outside. Flowers on the window sill of his room, the activity or social
room. Outside in the spring and summer.
Question: My father, 90, died last month. My mother, 86, now wants to go to
church at least twice a week. She doesn’t drive. This has become a stressful
situation as I work part-time.
Answer: Spiritual comfort is really important to a grieving elder. Also,
socialization helps maintain mental health. So encourage your mother to continue
seeking spiritual comfort and make new friends.
Look at transportation options -- another church member, hire a taxi or
neighbor. Reduce your own chauffeuring chores to fit in with your schedule.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 505 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
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©2003 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.