Globe Syndicate
For release Friday January 2, 2004
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
LEADERSHIP REVERSED IN
ELDER CARE SCENARIOS
Question: I read your column for the first time last week. What exactly is the
sandwich generation? We have four generations living in our house - my father,
88, myself and husband, late 50s, a daughter 26, and grandson, 2. Who am I?
Answer: You are a club sandwich generationer (four generations). The traditional
“sandwich” consists of three generations. The eldest and youngest generations
are each one slice of bread. The caregiver for both slices is the middle “meat.”
And then there is the “open faced” sandwich. I coined the “club” and “open-faced
sandwich” phrases.
I was in Tucson several years ago. A woman came up to me after my presentation.
“I’m not married,” she said. “Have no husband or children. I take care of both
my parents, in their 80s. What am I?” After thinking about it for a few seconds,
I said “You must be an open-faced sandwich.”
Everyone involved in elder/parent care is a sandwich -- in essence, “stuck”
together.
A NEW YEAR: NEW THOUGHTS: As we begin another New Year, let’s stop a minute to
muse on life and aging. When I became involved with my parents’ care, only a few
people had even heard the phrase “the sandwich generation.” I would tell people
it had nothing to do with food. Always a laugh...
Being a sandwich generationer is a complex new role on the stage of life. I look
at it as role reversal - becoming a parent to a parent. I have had some heated
discussions on the role reversal philosophy. Many feel that one does not become
a parent to the aging parent. They feel an aging parent will always be the
parent.
Time has confirmed my philosophy that we do in fact become a parent to a parent.
It is true role reversal. When we are a parent to a young child, we know what to
do. Society has set expectations. We are the leader, the central point.
Society hasn’t told us what we should do in regard to elder/parent care
relationships. But because the elder’s physical and mental capabilities may be
declining, the sandwich generationer must take up the leadership role. This is a
key element.
Leadership guideposts need to be taken from your child rearing years. - love,
guide, patience, protect, discipline, nurture, empower. All these words must now
be an integral part of sandwich generation -- aging parent relationships. As
with children, sometimes sandwich generationers have to make hard decisions and
take emotionally uncomfortable steps.
Aside from the leadership role element, sandwich generationers need to “nurture”
their aging parents emotionally. Sandwich generationers also have to “empower”
their parents to live independently as long as possible.
Making financial and life-style decisions for someone else, nurturing,
empowering, protecting and guiding are all parental role responsibilities. When
you do these for sick and/or frail aging parents, you do become a parent to your
parent.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself
and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your
once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is
dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns
and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site:
thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the
unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 551 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end
of the column.
©2004 by Globe Syndicate, all rights reserved.