Globe Syndicate

For release Friday June 18, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

DEATH CAN BE PEACEFUL

As modern medicine and technology keep more alive longer, I’ve been getting more questions about end-of-life issues. This is a troubling time for everyone. It can be even more traumatic when the elder is mentally alert. He or she may be frustrated that health is failing so rapidly. Or he or she might want to end life. The questions that pop up most often include the following. What should I do when my father can no longer swallow and refuses to eat? What do I do when she is too weak to eat, and refuses to have a feeding tube? What should I do when my husband deliberately refuses to eat? How can I stand there watching all this and not do something?

Life and death are very complex and emotional issues. There is no easy answer as everyone’s situation, beliefs, and feelings are different. T

At times, the only thing one can do is accept that life at some time will end. The second thing to do is make sure the person is comfortable. This is a big key. A clean, comfortable bed. Clean clothing, especially for ‘accidents.’ A pleasant, quiet environment. People comfort. Bring in hospice.

Too many families literally tear their hair out when a loved one refuses to eat or drink anything. Is it depression -- especially if the person is relatively young? Or is death inevitable within a short period of time?

In many cases, when the elder stops eating, the family thinks he or she is suffering -- and that is what is emotionally hard to accept.

But the results of a study last year, reported in the New England Journal of Medicine and summarized in the Last Acts organization newsletter, indicates that those who stop eating and drinking, particularly the very old, do not suffer. Often they have a ‘better’ death than someone in pain or subjected to today’s medical technology just to keep them alive.

This is evident in those very elderly, who no longer found meaning in living. Usually, the study says, they died ‘a good death within two weeks.” “Most deaths from voluntary refusal of food and fluids were peaceful, with little suffering,” according to the study.

Says Linda Ganzini, M.D., co -author of the study, “We were surprised that patients who chose this means suffered less in the last two weeks before death than patients who choose assisted suicide.”

Depending on the overall condition of the person, a peaceful death may occur even earlier. Right after his 94th birthday, my father decided he had had enough -- and stopped eating. At the same time, his kidneys were failing and he had a major stroke. Our objective was to keep him comfortable and clean. Most of the time someone was with him, holding his hand, if nothing else. It was hard for the family to see him like that -- a dynamic person who at 92 was still doing two to three miles a day on his exercise bike. We had to accept the reality of life and death.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

* * *

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 572 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.