Globe Syndicate

For release Friday July 30, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

SANDWICH GENERATIONERS NEED TO LIVE OWN LIFE

Question: I live in California. My mother, 85, lives in Michigan, near my brother and his family. For two years, my brother has been unable to get a decent job. Potential jobs are out of state. He doesn’t want to leave my mother, but now has reached the end of his financial rope. My mother lives alone in the big family house and refuses to move. Need advice.

Answer: While sandwich generationers should make sure elderly parents are appropriately taken care of, they shouldn’t have to give up their own life.

Your brother should take a job that will enable him to use his expertise and support his family. Same goes for yourself. Keep your good paying job.

My own business went down the drain when I had to take over running my mother’s business as well as oversee her medical care and daily care for both of my parents, then 85 and 90. So, from my own experience, I recommend keeping your job and using some of your money for your mother’s care, if necessary. Subsequent to my own experience I wrote a long series titled “Should I Quit Work to Care for Mom?” It’s available on our website www.sandwichgeneration.com.

Things you and your brother can do:

1. Evaluate your mother’s capabilities and identify the areas where she needs help. Driving, shopping, church, cleaning, laundry, whatever. Identify people who can do these chores for her, either on a paid or volunteer basis.

2. Hire a geriatric care manager to oversee care and people who are doing chores once your brother has moved away. The GCM will be there for your mother if there is a crisis. You and your brother can rest easily knowing someone is there for your mother.

3. Set up a neighborhood alert system. Get the names and telephone numbers of your mother’s neighbors, friends, priest, doctors, lawyer, account. Make sure they all have your telephone number.

4. When your mother really needs on-going help, consider having someone live in the house as a housekeeper. Another alternate is to find a mature person who needs a place to live. In exchange for a free room, she could help with chores. With today’s high divorce rate and poor job market there are women who are thrown into the world with little training or work experience. Yet hey are excellent homemakers.

5. Once your brother moves away, ask your mother to visit you for a month or two to escape the cold winters in Michigan. She shouldn’t necessarily live with you, as she will become bored and depressed being alone all day. A senior or assisted living residence provides a nice environment (some are like luxury bed & breakfasts), socialization, and nutritious meals. Often they have units available on a short term rental basis.

She will have the opportunity to experience living options, without being pressured to make a definitive move decision.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 547 words; other material = 160 words

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