Globe Syndicate

For release Friday August 13, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

UNDERSTANDING THE AGING PROCESS

IS THE KEY TO BETTER RELATIONSHIPS

AND CARE

Question: I read your column every week. You always seem to take the “side” of the elder. I’m a sandwich generationer -- the name of your column. Why are you ignoring us?

Answer. My objective is to make elder/parent care easier, not more difficult, for sandwich generationers. Many adult children create their own problems and are their own worst enemy because they do not understand what is going on with their parent.

So I strive to help caregivers better understand the aging process, what is normal and what is not, the roller coaster emotions of elders and their own, and how to empower and nurture everyone -- with less stress.

A tough vision. Many seem to use their own value system to judge parental lifestyle and wants. However, elders come from another era. And there are more variables between the values of those now in their 80s and 90s and their caregivers, who may be in their 50s and 60s. These differences need to be better understood if life’s “ropes” are to have less, rather than more, “knots.”

It’s very difficult to have to become a parent to a parent. So, understanding the whole scene, especially everyone’s emotions and values, as a first step can help improve relationships.

Question: My father, 80, has been in and out of the hospital and rehab facilities multiple times in the past six months. Each day brings a different crisis. My mother is not handling the situation well, and neither am I. She now has trouble making any decision . I’m trying to help but...

Answer: This is a typical role reversal situation. You have to take the leadership role, whether you want to or not. You told me you can’t. But you have to. You’re the only one who can get things moving into a more positive direction.

I’ve always said that being a sandwich generationer is THE most difficult and challenging role one plays on the stage of life. There are no guidelines to help us. There are usually more unanswered than answered questions. One seems to grow a telephone onto one’s ear.

Start by making written lists. Don’t try to keep everything in your head.

1. Medical problems. What are they and how do they impact daily life?

2. Alongside of each problem, list all the medications taken.

3. List the negative repercussions of each med. This can be very difficult if there are multiple medical problems and drugs.

4. Ask a lot of questions.

5. Be patient, yet assertive, with doctors. After all, they are only human.

Include both parents in discussions of options, both medical and daily living alternatives. However, if your parents can’t make appropriate decisions, you will have to. Just remember that there really is no one ‘right’ decision in most situations. There are options, and you need to identify them as well as the pros and cons of each.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

* * *

Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 546 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.