Globe Syndicate

For release Friday September 10, 2004

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

GUILT: CAN BE A CAREGIVER KILLER

Question: My father, 81, has been in and out of hospitals and nursing homes for the past six months. My mother, 77, is on the verge of a nervous breakdown because she cannot “get my father better.” She feels so guilty. I’ve taken family leave from my own job to help her. But she is still stressed out. How can I help her?

Answer: Three key words in such a situation, which is shared by millions of families across the country, are: Acknowledge, Accept, and Expectations.

First, the family needs to acknowledge that the loved one is very ill and has a number of disabilities. Everyone has to realize that the care burden has shifted to a well spouse or sandwich generationer. This is especially difficult if the sick person has been a very strong individual and may be very stubborn, as in this case.

Second, the family needs to accept reality -- of the weaknesses and even that the husband/father may never be back to the health he had before the current illness.

Third, deals with expectations. Both with the sick person’s ability -- or inability -- to get well and with the caregiver’s expectations of the prognosis as well as what the caregiver should be doing.

This third element is the key. The scope of human expectations is wide and may be unrealistic as well as destructive. In this case, your mother’s health is at jeopardy.

So, the caregivers (in this case both spouse and daughter) need be realistic in reference to what can medically be done for the husband/father and what the caregivers can do -- and not do. If caregivers have trouble accepting the deteriorating condition of a loved one, then expectations may be unrealistic.

In this situation, with the mother in such a stressful state, the daughter needs to reinforce the mother’s feelings of self worth as they both struggle to put all the care pieces in place.

Both mother and daughter also need to broaden their view of what is medically doable. It’s a tough situation, and there is no one right way or wrong way to do things.

Footnote: I had just finished writing this column when I received a call from the wife. Our lengthy discussion indicated she finally accepted that she wasn’t the cause of her husband’s many medical problems and she could not make him well. “I thought I should be able to do everything and make him well,” she told me.

Two days later, I received another call. The husband had fallen in the hospital (even though an aide had been in the room), hit his head on the floor, and went into a deep coma. Given internal bleeding and a shunt that had been inserted two weeks earlier, the doctors said nothing could be done to make him “well.” The man never came out of the coma and died peacefully the same day with his wife and daughter at his side. Both wife and daughter had felt guilty for six traumatic months.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 510 words; other material = 160 words

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