Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday October 22, 2004

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

THE FIRST STEP TO CAREGIVING:

GET LEGAL DOCMENTS IN ORDER

 

Question:  After several operations, my father, 81, is wheelchair bound.  Because my mother cannot take care of him, we moved them close to us.  Now there seems to be so much to do, I don’t know where to start.  I’m also learning that my mother is one stubborn lady!  Help!

 

Answer:  “Help” appeals, for some reason, seem to come in batches.  I’ve recently had similar letters and telephone calls.  Also a writer in Pennsylvania, who was working on an article on the sandwich generation, called and asked me, “What is Step #1?”

 

If you are currently uninvolved in your parent(s)’ daily life, there IS a Step #1.  All appropriate legal documents should be in place, to protect the senior/elder as well as other family members.

 

First, and very critical to self protection, are Durable Power of Attorney and a Living Will.  POA is for financial matters.  A person choices someone completely trustworthy to handle finances when a little help or a lot of help is needed.  The POA designee then is able to take care of paying bills, handling investments, arranging for care in the house, or whatever.

 

A Living Will involves health issues and medical decisions.  A Living Will generally consist of two parts:  one, appointing a health care representative, and two, is giving specific instructions to doctors and hospitals.  You should pick someone completely trustworthy and someone who understands what you want in medical treatment and more specifically what you do not want. This person must be willing to abide by your wishes, especially if you do not want to be kept alive on machines.

 

Both of these documents should be signed while a person is mentally competent.  Quite frankly, I think everyone, regardless of age, should have both.

 

In most cases, as in this question, adult children become involved in parents’ lives after a medical crisis.  My own story.

 

In medical crisis, getting/providing daily care is top of the list.  When one parent is sick and one is still ok, a careful balancing act is necessary.  The word “empower” comes to mind.  Identify the strengths and weakness of both parents.  Build on and maintain your mother’s strengths and provide help for her for the things she cannot do well.  And of course bring someone in to take care of your father.

 

Question:  My father, 86, refuses to give anyone power of attorney.  I’ve heard so many horror stories, I’m scared.  What should we do?

 

Answer:  Share your stories with your father.  Your father should be the one to be scared.  If he doesn’t pick someone he trusts to handle his financial affairs, a judge (a complete stranger) can appoint someone (usually initially a complete stranger) to take over his money.  It’s called guardianship.  Your father -- and your family -- then lose total control of his money and everyday living decisions.  Guardianship is a horrendous procedure, both in money terms and emotional trauma.

 

NEXT WEEK:  GUARDIANSHIP - CRITICAL TO AVOID

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 502 words; other material = 160 words

 

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