Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday January 21, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

TAP INTO WHERE THEY ARE

 

Question -- My mother, 94, has Alzheimer’s and is in an assisted living residence.  She keeps going way back into the past and acts as if it’s the present. 

 

She recently was upset because she said she went into the basement and couldn’t find her favorite blue velvet dress.  I do not recall her ever having such a dress.  Several days later, she was agitated because she needed to plan refreshments for her (long ago) women’s organization meeting.

 

I did not know what to say to her.

 

Answer:  Tap into where she is -- wherever that may be in time.  Do not try to bring her back to reality. 

 

In reference to the dress, you might have said, “I know how much you like it.  I’ll go down and take another look.”  Or say, “Maybe it’s at the cleaners.  I’ll check.”

 

In reference to the menu, help her plan it and offer to bake a cake or bring some snacks.

 

By acknowledging her concerns and offering to help, you validate her own  self-esteem.  She’ll probably forget her problem by your next visit.  Most important, you avoid a potentially nasty verbal confrontation if you try to bring her back to reality.

 

Question:  My father, 82, uses a walker and insists on going to the supermarket with me every week.  He walks very slowly.  Time is precious as I have so many things to do.  I’m frustrated because shopping with him takes so much longer.

 

Answer:  I always wonder why we have so much patience with young children as they learn to walk and do so very slowly, yet don’t have the same tolerance and acceptance for older people.

 

In this case, you need to understand that going to the supermarket may be the only time or one of a few times each week, that your father gets out of the house.  He needs this time in a different environment.  If your time is so “precious,” get someone else to take him shopping.  Or even out to lunch once a week, a walk in a park, a visit to a mall.  Getting out is healthier than staying in the house all the time.  Or you can allow more time for this chore.

 

Aside from getting out of the house, being able to see and choose new foods is healthier.  Most people get tired of eating the same things all the time.  Many older people then stop eating the way they should.

 

Sound Advice:  Sometimes sayings from famous people can transcend very well to the elder care scenario.  The following from Abraham Lincoln is so appropriate to caregivers who face multiple challenges and Monday morning quarter backing.

            “I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and mean to keep doing so until the end.  If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to anything.  If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.”

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 569 words; other material = 160 words

 

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