Globe Syndicate

For release Friday April 01, 2005

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

STRESS REMAINS WHEN ELDER IS PLACED HOME IN NURSING HOME

Question: We had no choice but to place our mother, 94, in a nursing home and thought our stress level would be reduced. We’re still highly stressed and feel so guilty.

Answer: You shouldn’t feel guilty, especially as you cannot control your mother’s aging and decline or the other unfortunate elements in your own life (serious illness). At the same time, your continued high stress is natural -- unless you can build an emotional wall around yourself. When you place a loved one in a nursing home, you continue to see aging decline. This is naturally emotional. So the kind of stress shifts from the caregiving scenario to an oversight one. Stress will only disappear when your mother passes on and you have closure.

Recent studies indicate caregiver stress shifts to a more pronounced realization that the elder is deteriorating at a rapid rate. For some reason, a home environment cocoons the deterioration realization. In a nursing home, the decline is more apparent. This could also be because you see more elderly in maybe worse condition than your own parent.

When I say you have to build an emotional wall around yourself, I don’t mean you should stop visiting your loved one or ignore him or her. Your love will remain constant. But you do need to accept life’s reality. And you need to stop feeling guilty about the elder’s decline and the placement itself. The aging process cannot be controlled by human beings or stopped. The end stages of life can only be made more comfortable and as pleasant as possible. And even then there are times when this is just impossible.

I guess, in a way, sandwich generationers feel guilty because things are out of their control and we all like to be able to control our lives. But it is important to realize that the elder’s health will continue to decline wherever he or she is and that you have not failed as a caregiver.

ANIMALS ALSO SENSE LOSS: Animals not only sense loss itself, but they (like humans) sense when a person is “on the way out.” Those of you who read my column regularly know I have a great love for dogs. Dogs and other pets give a person, regardless of age, unconditional love.

So, I want to share with you a story I heard when I had dinner recently at a nearby assisted living residence.

The “house” dog is a very large and gentle husky named Thunder. He has bonded with all the residents and greets all visitors with a nudge of his large nose. He especially bonded with a very elderly resident. AS death neared, Thunder stayed in her room, sitting by her bedside, giving her comfort by his very presence. He would not move, no matter how hard the staff tried to get him to leave the room. As soon as the woman did pass on, Thunder, having finished his job, got up and left the room.

We all had tears in our eyes by the end of the story.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 580 words; other material = 160 words

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.