Globe Syndicate

For release Friday May 13, 2005

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

INTERVENE ONLY WHEN DANGER OBVIOUS

Question: My mother, 77, lives alone and seems to be getting thinner and frailer. But she refuses to move. At what point should I step in and say, “Enough is enough. You must move?”

Answer: Undoubtedly you are on an emotional roller coaster. This is not an easy situation, yet it is very common.

Identify the help needs for ADLs (activities of daily living) and IADLs (incidental activities). ADLs are dressing, bathing, eating, toileting, transferring. IADLs include household chores, grocery shopping, driving, etc.

The second step would be to identify help resources to handle the true “needs” and enable her to remain in her own home. Needless to say, finances are important as more income equals more choices.

Intervention should be on a “need” basis and zero in on areas of safety, health and financial well-being. Keep a close eye on lifestyle: eating habits; personal hygiene, bills being paid or not paid; socializing or not.

When “needs” reach a high level and a move decision should be made. If the elder refuses, bring in a third party. A clergy person, the person’s lawyer or doctor, or a geriatric case manager as a non-child often has more success in helping the elder make the decision to move.

If your mother still refuses at-home help or to move, then you need to talk to her. Discuss choices, decisions and ramifications of not making appropriate decisions.

If the situation is really bad and she refuses everything, tell her the state under Adult Protective Services (complete strangers) can come in and make decisions for her. Self-neglect is top on the abuse list and allows the state to become involved. Or you could go to court to gain guardianship.

Bottom line involves safety - physical, health and financial. When safety is jeopardized, you should take active steps to protect your mother.

Question: My father, 76, has Parkinson’s, trouble walking, and now uses a walker. My parents used to go out to eat regularly and really enjoyed the change in environment and meeting friends. Now my father absolutely refuses. Guidance please.

Answer: While you can encourage and help, you can’t force your father to go to a restaurant.

Next best would be to bring the restaurant to your parents. Order in, so your mother doesn’t have to cook. Set the dining table with nice placemats and a flower arrangement (real or silk). Arrange for a grandchild who lives nearby or a neighborhood teenager to serve the meal, like in a restaurant.

Parkinson’s affects the nervous system, so your father may be afraid of falling or might get embarrassed if he accidentally knocks over the glass of water. He may also be embarrassed that he needs the walker and doesn’t want people to stare at him.

If another member of the family went with them, your father may feel more secure. That person can also point out all the others in the restaurant who use walkers.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 558 words; other material = 160 words

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