Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday May 27, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

 

Question:  My father, 80, had a stroke and his right arm is paralyzed.  He can no longer live alone because he can’t take care of himself or the house.  We want him to move into an assisted living residence.  He refuses.   How can we convince him?

 

Answer:  A person’s own home usually provides the healthiest and best environment, regardless of a person’s age -- unless a person’s physical needs are tremendous.

 

Hiring a live-in housekeeper will allow your father to stay home and control his own activities and lifestyle.  Live-in help actually costs less than an ALF.

 

Question:  My mother, 90, wants to say in her own home. She is willing to have someone stay with her.  How do we find a good, honest housekeeper?  And how do we decide whether or not to hire a particular person?

 

Answer:  Networking with friends, relatives, your church members, and hospital discharge planners is a good first step.  Referrals, coupled with careful job and reference checks, can find that ‘right’ person.  You might also advertise in your local newspaper.

 

When you hire someone directly (as opposed to using an agency), you are the employer and should take out all applicable taxes.  Depending on how much help he needs with ADLs, your father can deduct for IRS purposes part of the housekeeper’s salary as a medical expense.

 

Using an agency relieves you of the paper work connected to taxes, but is more expensive.  Also, workers employed by an agency are usually bonded and insured.  In some states, a superficial police check can be done.

 

DO NOT use a “registry.”  These agencies only list people available for work. They have no knowledge of the true character of those listed.

 

When interviewing an individual, the following should be addressed.

1.  Get all personal information, social security number, address and job history and references.  Check the references.

 

2.  Ask the person to describe her duties at previous jobs and for the person for whom she cared.

 

3.  Before the interview, write down the chores your mother needs to have done.  Compare this list with what the person has done at other jobs and what she is willing to do.

 

4.  After you have interviewed several people, narrow the list to maybe two or three.  Reinterview them with your mother participating.  Evaluate the interaction between your mother and the potential helper.  Your mother should have final say.

 

Question:  My parents (late 80s) have a housekeeper who seems to have taken over completely.  My parents are afraid to say anything.  I’m afraid of possible abuse.

 

Answer:  What do you mean by “taken over?”  Does she automatically do the chores without having to be told all the time?  If so, this is good.  How much direction was she given when she was hired?  Was she told your parents were the “deciders” in reference to what was done?

 

You all need to talk with her about your concerns.  If she reacts positively, keep her.  If she gets angry about you questioning what she does, consider firing her.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 572 words; other material = 160 words

 

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