Globe Syndicate

For release Friday August 05, 2005

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

INTOLERABLE BEHAVIOR IS INTOLERABLE

Question: We recently moved back to my old home town and now seem to have total responsibility for my parents (early 90s). My father is a control freak. and everything must be done “his” way. I can see why my sister and brother stay away. But I can’t just leave them alone. How can I get along with them when all I want to do is cry?

Answer: First, have a family conference with your sister and brother. Discuss their key issues/problems with your parents and how they handled these issues. This discussion should provide insight for you as well as clarify things with your siblings.

Second, identify where your parents really need help in everyday life -- chores they can no longer no for themselves. DO NOT take over what they can do. The LESS you do, the better.

Third, sit down with your parents and discuss the areas in which they need help. Get their input in reference to getting help. Try to make them understand that there are different ways to do things and they need to accept these differences. If they don’t, they should understand that you too may walk away from helping them. This conference with your parents should include your siblings. Put everything out on the table!

If your parents refuse to be more flexible, you need to set parameters of what you -- and hopefully your sister and brother -- will do for and with them. In an extreme situation, express your feelings and tell your parents you will see them next week. Let them try to manage on their own.

Question: My mother, 89, moved herself into an assisted living residence. We were delighted she made this decision on her own. However, she is creating chaos in the dining room by sweeping the dishes and food off the table. She says the food is tasteless. The residence administration has given us 30 days to move her. We’ve sold her house, and none of us have room for her. If she gets thrown out of one residence, will another one accept her?

Answer: To answer your question first. Everyone knows everyone else in an local alternative living arena. So, her reputation will likely go before her.

You should try to salvage things at this residence -- provided you are satisfied with the overall service and atmosphere.

Again, communications is critical. Your mother must be told that her behavior is unacceptable and rude. She needs to understand this.

To make her happier with the food, give her the spices she likes and let her add them to the food at the table. Facilities use little or no salt, so food may be less tasty to those who like spices.

If she likes special snacks or foods, a small refrigerator in her room will make these foods available to her.

Moving from your own home into a residence can be traumatic. Help her adjust.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 556 words; other material = 160 words

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