Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday August 19, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

KEEPING PEOPLE ALIVE BY MACHINES IS A SIN

 

Question:  My parents (70s) refuse to discuss with us (four children) what they would want and not want medically if something serious happened to them.  They say “We know what we want.”  The problem is that no one else knows.

 

Answer:  People get very angry with me when I say elders are selfish when they don’t share their wishes with children.  Children, rather than a spouse of many years, will probably have to make end of life medical decisions.

            So, tell your parents they need to have a Living Will and name someone in addition to their spouse as a health care representative, who can make decisions when the occasion arises.

            If people (regardless of age) don’t share their wishes with family members or  have the appropriate legal documents signed, they place a tremendous burden on their children.  A judge may appoint a complete stranger to make medical decisions, which could be contrary to the elder’s wishes and values.

 

Question:  My father’s mental capabilities have deteriorated along with his physical condition.  He is now on a respirator and has a feeding tube. The doctor says he will never get better.  I don’t think he would want to “live” this way and want to remove these devices.  However, my sister has hired a lawyer so that these devices are kept.

            What should I do?

 

Answer:  Again, I use my standard phrase about people being incredibly selfish.  Your sister is torturing and abusing your father by keeping the respirator and feeding tube.  This is selfish to the point I find difficult to understand.

            Too many people refuse to accept nature’s process of life and death.  These people think they should take the place of God and intervene in life’s inevitable cycle.  In some religions, including Judaism, a person who hinders the natural process of death is a sinner himself or herself.

            In this case you have a choice:  walk away and leave your sister to handle everything or go to court yourself and seek guardianship.  You will then find yourself in a Terry Shiavo kind of situation.  In either situation, your father will continue to be abused.

 

Question:  My father, 90, was in a car accident and has such severe brain trauma that the doctors say is he virtually brain dead.  We have to make a decision as to what to do and need some advice.

 

Answer: When a person is brain-dead that person has little or no feelings or sensations of any kind.  As the doctors have told you, brain cells do not regenerate and your father’s condition will never get better.

            All mechanical devices should be removed, and nature will take its course.  Because your father is brain dead, he will not be in any pain or suffer.

            For some reason, we are kinder to our pets when quality of life deteriorates than we are to those people we claim to love the most.

 

QUOTE OF THE DAY:  “There are many truths of which the full meaning cannot be realized until personal experience has brought it home.”  (by John Stuart Mill)

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 582 words; other material = 160 words

 

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