Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday September 02, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

ROLE REVERSAL IS NOT COMFORTABLE

 

Question:  My father, 82, suddenly developed dementia and high blood pressure.  My mother, 80, doesn’t know what to do.  I’ve been thrust suddenly into taking care of them and making major decisions.  I don’t know what’s right to do or what’s wrong.

 

Answer:  Always remember:  there is no one right way to handle elder care scenarios!  AND there is no one wrong way.  There is no magic wand! All depends on the specific situation AND the personalities and limitations of the people with whom you are dealing.

            Role reversal, parents to our parents, unrealistic expectations, guilt, anger, frustration, manipulation, self-respect, dignity, and control are just some of the words used to describe changing relationships as parents age and become both physically and emotionally needy.

            Most adult children are not comfortable with the change in roles -- when they have to take, what I call, the leadership role.  Society hasn’t prepared us for this change or given us guideposts.

            So, my stance is that you have to look back at the growing up process of your own children and how you handled often emotionally charged situations.  Many characteristics of an adolescent and an elder are similar.  However, needless to say, there are many differences.

            Children need less physical care with maturity.  Elderly loved ones often need more care each year.  While the stress of raising children generally decreases with age, the stress of concern/caring for parents increases with age.

            Teenagers are struggling to become more independent and gain control of their lives.  Older people are struggling to remain independent and retain control of their lives.

            One social worker whom I knew when I first started The Sandwich Generation magazine, puts it this way, “The adolescent wants independence, but really isn’t ready to accept the full responsibility.  The elder wants to hold onto his or her independence even though some help may be needed. The elder in a sense needs to accept a new identify -- of being needy and no longer the caretaker.   It’s a big struggle in both situations.”

            Those in both age groups often deny they need help.  “I can take care of myself,” they tell us.  Yet, every day this is proved wrong.  Often the elder is unable to judge his or her own capabilities and stays in the denial stage longer than is safe.

            What is evident is that the relationship dynamics have forever been changed. A sandwich generationer must become the leader.

            What does this mean?  You have to step back and evaluate what the elder can do for self and what he or she cannot do. The word Empower is critical.  Help the elder retain the ability to do what he or she can do for self and bring in help for the things he or she is unable to do. Healthy relationships help the elderly remain as independent as possible as long as possible given the true handicaps. 

            For yourself, do what you can do comfortably and actively seek help to do specific chores.

 

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 568 words; other material = 160 words

 

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