Globe Syndicate
For release Friday September 30, 2005
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
EMPOWER PARENTS;
DON’T CLAMP DOWN
Question: My father died recently, leaving my mother, 74, free from her caregiving chores for my father, who had been sick for several years. I asked her to take care of my 10-month-old daughter because I want to return to work. She said “NO WAY!” She says she wants to take art classes, go on trips, and “chill out.” I’m mad. After all, she no longer has any other responsibilities.
Answer: For the first time in five years, your mother is free to cater to herself. Good for her for saying NO!
Regardless of one’s age, a person has the RIGHT and NEED for self fulfillment and enjoyment. It’s time for your mother (who is still very young) to spread her own wings and enjoy life herself. Mental stimulation by taking courses and traveling help a person retain youth.
If you work, you should have money to pay for day care for your daughter. As she gets older, day care is excellent for teaching social skills, developing learning skills, and making friends.
Question: My mother, 82, was always a very social kind of person. She had a stroke last year and now has trouble taking care of herself. As she can no longer drive, she doesn’t get out very much. I must work as we have two teenagers, one in college. I don’t like to see her so unhappy. I feel guilty I can’t stay home and take care of her.
Answer: Look into adult day care programs near you. There is a wide range of kinds of such programs and the services they provide. While your mother’s physical incapacities limit her in some ways, her mental ability level may be at the median level. So, look for a program that has the medical oversight your mother needs and the activities that will help her retain her mental capabilities.
Adult day care can ease your own guilt feelings, even though you shouldn’t feel guilty in the first place. Sad, yes, perhaps. Guilty, no. Everyone ages and family members often just cannot stay home.
A good day care program not only will make sure she is taking her medicine correctly, but will provide your mother with the socialization she loved so much in the past. She will be able to make new friends. Activities will provide the mental stimulation everyone needs.
I remember one day care center I visited with my dog. Two of the women immediately bonded with the dog. Then they started reminiscing about their pets over the years and spent the rest of the morning talking. I was told that these women became best friends and often spent time remembering the past. Remembering good times always helps lift one’s spirits and improve emotional well-being.
Government Program: Under federal law, a person can have their employer put pretax dollars, up to $5,000 a year, in a special fund. This money can then be used during the year for child or adult day care.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 662 words; other material = 160 words
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