Globe Syndicate

For release Friday October 07, 2005

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

MOOD SWINGS DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND

Question: My great-aunt, 88, has moved in with us. She has no one else. She swings from one mood where she walks around mumbling what she wants to the other extreme by demanding things be done for her immediately. I don’t know how to deal with these mood swings

Answer: When someone else moves into a household that has been “running” for a long time, everyone has to adjust. You have to adjust to having a virtual stranger living with you. Your aunt has to adjust to living in someone else’s home.

Having no one else, your aunt is scared of the future. On one hand, she doesn’t want to place too many demands upon you — her mumbling. On the other hand, she doesn’t want you to forget or ignore her — her demands.

With the elderly, psychologists say making demands may really be a way of expressing loss of control over their own life, of feeling lonely, or of seeking attention. Such demands may also stem from cognitive and psychological impairments and can be an indicator of depression.

You need to find a balance — of your meeting her true needs and her understanding your family’s routine. You need to find a win-win result. Sit down with your aunt, discuss her previous schedule, interests and activities, and have her participate in deciding what she’ll do now and when.

Use a calendar to schedule events ahead of time. If there is a conflict with your schedule, and/or those of your children discuss this with your aunt. Mark the calendar accordingly. You might also give her, her own calendar to keep in her room.

Question: My father recently passed away and my mother misses him terribly. She is demanding that I take his place in her daily routine and wants me to walk with her to a nearby coffee shop, have a cup of coffee with her and buy the newspaper. I have children to get off to school and a part-time job. I can’t take time every day to do this. She is very upset with me.

Answer: Sit down with your mother and go over your daily schedule with her so she understands your routine. Then look for a workable solution to her loneliness.

Walking is excellent exercise, so you should encourage her to continue walking and being active.

If you mother is able to walk to the store herself, encourage her to do so alone. Or a friend or neighbor might like to participate in this routine on a regular basis. Perhaps you or one of your children can do this with her one day on the weekend. A walk and treat with grandma can help develop special new bonds for both.

If she can’t walk herself, but likes to read the newspaper every day, have it delivered. You might also buy some of the many special flavors of coffee for her. Then she can treat herself every morning -- and feel good about life.

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 563 words; other material = 160 words

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