Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday November 18, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

GRIEF FOR PETS CAN BE STRONGERFOR HUMAN LOVED ONE

 

Question:  My father passed away last year.  My mother, 78, just lost her dog of 18 years.  She is more depressed about her dog’s death than my father’s.  I don’t understand this and am angry she seems to miss the dog more.  She is very depressed and just sits home alone.  She says she doesn’t like going out because she has to come home to an empty house.  What can we do?

 

Answer:  You didn’t say if your father had been ill or died suddenly.  If he had been very ill, his going may have been a relief.  She undoubtedly misses him, but maybe with mixed feelings.

 

Years ago, after putting closure to my one-year grieving period for my 11-year-old Norwegian Elkhound, I met a woman who has been a pet bereavement counselor for the past 15 years.  She is also head of the New England Norwegian Elkhound Rescue organization, and I can thank her for my loving Saya, now 11 years old and still a puppy.

 

I posed these questions to her, Cotton Silverman, MSW.  Her answer:  “Pets give unconditional love.  No other being gives us this.  Pets willingly love us.  They don’t judge us or argue with us.  Love is just because...”

 

Perhaps your father was a difficult person to live with.  Perhaps your father was never happy himself and this unhappiness spilled over to your mother.  So your mother’s dog may have been the only happy and loving constant on a daily basis.

 

Why do some people grieve so much?  Cotton says, “The grieving process for a pet is the same as that for a human loved one.  Many people first become angry that the pet has left her/him. Then there may a denial period, followed by guilt that more wasn’t done to save the pet’s life.  And then depression.  If the pet was the only living thing in the home, the depression can be deeper.

 

Everyone goes through some sort of “process” and this, according to Cotton “is natural.  You have to come to closure.  There is no answer as to how long it takes a person to reach closure.  It can be immediate and the pet owner gets another pet immediately.  Or it can take more time.  Some people even have shrines for their pet.  Others put messages in a balloon and send it off to heaven.”

 

One never-married senior I knew long ago went into a deep depression when her father died.  A five-year old poodle” saved” her life.  When that dog was 15, the woman got a puppy.  She said she never wanted to be without a pet or to come home to an empty apartment.

 

                        NEXT WEEK:  Pet grief will be continued with Tips for both the senior losing the loved pet and sandwich generationers who want to help the senior to overcoming this grief.

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 546 words; other material = 160 words

 

We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.