Globe Syndicate

 

For release Friday December 09, 2005

 

 

The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents

 

by Carol Abaya, M.A.

 

 

CELEBRATE HOLIDAYS WITH JOY

 

Question:  Our family has always celebrated the holidays with lavish family parties.   My mother passed away this fall, and my father doesn’t want to have a big family dinner.   Our family has always enjoyed our time together, but we don't want to offend my father.  Advise please.

 

Answer:  Listen to your heart and at the same time be patient with your father.

            It’s natural to feel sad that a loved one is no longer here.  It’s OK to grieve and have tears running down your cheek.  The first year is always the hardest as there will be a “hole” in the fabric of the celebration.  But the fabric of life needs to be reinforced, not ripped apart.

            Everyone should look for a new meaning to the celebration by cherishing who your mother was and for those things she gave to everyone - including your father.          

 Keep the family get together tradition so all generations enjoy the holidays even though a key loved one is no longer here.

            To make some simple changes, reach out to others to share the day with your family.   New people can add a new dimension to the holidays and be a diversion from the fact that your mother is not with you.

 

Question:  We usually go out for New Year’s dinner with a group of friends.  We want my parents to join us this year.  They are in their 80s and fun-loving. They refuse.  How can we get them to join us?

 

Answer:  Why are you pushing them to do something they obviously do not want to do?  They may feel  they have nothing in common with you friends and would be bored.   

 

Question:  My mother will be 80 next month, and we want to have a big party.  She doesn’t want one and says she won’t go.  My father died three months ago.  Is it too soon to have a party?

 

Answer:  It is never too soon to celebrate life!  After all, life is loving and sharing important milestones.  So go ahead and make it is surprise party.  If you have it at a restaurant, tell her it will just be the immediate family.

            I had to do this with my mother’s 80th and then 90th birthdays.  The 80th birthday was catered at my parents’ house.  I lived 55 miles away, so arranged for the caterers to handle everything, including serving the food.

            When I arrived at their house with my aunt, who flew up from Florida, (a complete surprise), my mother started fussing that she hadn't wanted a big party.  However, after she saw friends she hadn’t seen in many, many years, she had a marvelous time.

            I went through the same thing when she was 90.  We had to assure her it was just immediate family at a local hotel.  Again she had a marvelous time!

            So, go ahead and celebrate!   Have a camera ready to take pictures as she enters the party room.     

           

 

Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time?  Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?

 

Do you feel alone?  Rest assured you are not alone!  The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Do you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to her at PO Box 132, Wickatunk, NJ 07765-0132 or contact her through her web site: thesandwichgeneration.com.

 

Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.

 

NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 559 words; other material = 160 words

 

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