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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
GUILT IS OFTEN
SELF -GENERATED
Question: I get very
frustrated that my mother, 79, doesn’t walk fast enough when I take her grocery
shopping. Then I get angry at myself
because of this frustration. Then I feel
guilty that I am angry. It seems to be a vicious cycle.
Answer: Yes, your feelings are in
a vicious cycle. While they are natural
and expected, you do need to tap down your guilt feelings. Guilt serves nothing positive.
We
often feel frustrated and/or angry when someone we love doesn’t live up to our
expectations. Let’s say your husband
forgets your birthday. Or a teenager
gets home in the wee hours of the morning.
Society seems to say it’s ok to feel frustrated and angry with everyone
else but our aging parents. I don’t know
why this is so, but it just is.
So, no
one should feel guilty about feelings that are natural. What you should do is change your own
perspective and expectation level. This
will help reduce your stress and negative feelings.
However,
you need to understand where your mother is coming from. Undoubtedly she is not happy she can’t walk
faster. But she can’t do anything about
this. So, you need to accept her
limitations and allow more time for shopping.
In some supermarkets there is a snack bar. It may be one of the few times your mother
is out of the house, and she likes to look at all the choices. Let your mother roam around on her own, if
she can, and you sit down with a cup of coffee.
Question: I work full-time
at a very stressful job. Often I don’t
leave the office until 6 or
Now my
feelings of guilt are interfering with my work.
When my mind is on my mother, I end up staying even later at the office
to finish my work.
Answer: You do not say whether
your mother has specific needs (as opposed to wants) that should be addressed
by you on a daily basis.
Assuming
she is fairly independent, I don’t know why you have to stop by every single
day. Every other day or even less
frequently is OK -- given her true needs. You always need to differentiate
between true “needs” and “wants.”
“Needs”
need to be addressed appropriately and taken care of -- even if it means hiring
someone to go in to make her dinner and help her bathe. “Wants,” on the other hand, can be addressed
in a more flexible manner.
You need to take the leadership role in the relationship and set the parameters for what you can comfortably do yourself. For those “needs” you cannot meet because of work responsibilities, get help from another family member or community resource.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 544 words; other material = 160 words
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