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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
ALZHEIMER’S CREATES THE NEED
FOR A NEW SET OF DECISIONS
Question: I am the eldest
of three -- a brother two years younger and a sister five years younger. My father, 81, has just been diagnosed with
the early stages of Alzheimer’s.
Because
I live nearest to my father and probably will be handling his finances, I want
him to give me power of attorney. My
brother refuses to believe the doctor and says my father is “fine.” My bother refuses to even discuss the legal
steps we should take.
Answer: Several things came to my
mind when I read your letter. First, it
is always good to have family cooperation.
However, to be hard-nosed about this situation, you do not need to even
discuss with your brother your father giving you POA. You need to sit down with your father and
talk with him. If he is reluctant, then
ask the doctor to help explain things to your father. Or the minister, if your
father goes to church.
Second,
for some unexplainable reason, men seem to have more difficulty acknowledging
and accepting a parent’s mental decline.
This is particularly true in relation to a son and his father, the old
role model.
So, you
should set up a telephone conference call with yourself, your brother and the
doctor. Precede the call by sending your
bother a couple of articles on Alzheimer’s, what it is and what happens. There is marvelous series of articles
available on our website www.sandwichgeneration.com.
Third,
if your brother still refuses to accept the diagnosis, discuss things with your
father’s accountant and/or lawyer. Have
either talk to your father and advise him to give you Durable Power of
Attorney. Get the papers drawn up for
both Durable Power of Attorney (for financial decisions) and a Living Will (for
medical decisions) and have your father sign them while he is still mentally
competent and understands the situation.
Your
brother may be upset, but you do need to protect your father from complete
strangers taking over his finances and medical decisions. If there are no financial and medical POAs, a
judge can (and often does)t appoint a complete
stranger as guardian. Then your father
and your family lose complete control of all financial and medical decisions.
Question: My mother, 78,
keeps accusing my children, 9 and 11, of eating HER food. The kids are very upset. My mother has Alzheimer’s.
Answer: This answer comes from a
woman in the same situation. She sat
down with her 10 year old son and explained what Alzheimer’s does to a person’s
brain. Also that his
grandmother didn’t realize what she’s saying. The woman’s son would take his grandmother’s
hand and gently lead her to the refrigerator or pantry, open the door, and say
“Grandma, See your the food is here.”
Children do understand more than we think, especially when things are explained simply and honestly.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 547 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.