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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
PERCEPTION IMPACTS STRESS
LEVEL
Question: My parents
(late 70s) just moved closer to us. I
visit at least twice a week. They have
always been very organized, and everything has to be in a certain place. If I put one can on the wrong shelf, my
mother gets upset and starts yelling at me.
She also yells if I buy a different brand of
something they always use. What difference
does it make?
Answer: I’ll repeat your own
question: What difference does it
make? Why do you get upset that your
mother is so organized? It’s her house,
and she needs to be able to find things.
It’s certainly better to be organized than disorganized. Yet you’re looking at her way of doing things
as a negative? Why?
If you
do the shopping, let her put things away.
My mother would do the shopping, and the housekeeper put things
away. But she always showed my mother
exactly where she put things, especially if it wasn’t the usual place.
Actually,
you should take your mother with you when you shop. Let her pick out what she and your father
like -- not what you like or think they should have.
Everyone
has likes and dislikes and ways of doing things. Respect your mother. Would you like her to come into your house
and reorganize the way you do things? I
doubt it.
Also,
do keep in mind everyone, especially elders, want and need to control their own
lives. Control equals psychological
comfort, which is important to maintaining good mental and physical
health. You need to empower them so they
can remain as independent as possible as long as possible.
Question: My mother
recently died. My father, 88, is color
blind, and my mother always put out his clothes. He now lives alone, but is active at the
senior center. I met him for lunch the
other day, and none of his clothes matched.
I was so embarrassed.
Answer: Don’t be
embarrassed. As long as he is happy,
accept your blessings.
If his
lack of color coordination really bothers you, you can color sort his clothes
in the closest and in drawers. Put up
notes so he can identify the different colors and then hang up clothes
accordingly at night. Or if he likes one
particular color, say blue, have all his clothes in blue.
In his
later years, my father mixed different patterns. At my parents’ 60th anniversary party, my
father wore checkered slacks, a plaid jacket and a polka dot bow tie. When I told him he looked “snazzy,” his whole
face lit up. In the whole scope of life,
it was unimportant that his clothes did not match.
Several
months ago when a crew from NBC Nightly News was at my house interviewing me
for a special story, I showed them a picture of my father (face wreathed in a
smile) holding his first great-grandson.
He had on that infamous plaid jacket and a different kind of plaid
shirt.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do you
have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered individually,
appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever possible. Letters
may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail
direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 563 words; other material = 160 words
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