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by Carol Abaya, M.A.
Question: My mother, 81, had to stop
driving. So I do her shopping. She gives me a list over the phone. She doesn’t seem to plan what she needs for
the whole week and runs out of key foods. My sister stopped by the other day, and my
mother did not even have juice or bread.
She says she doesn’t like to call me for “little” things. How can I convince her that it’s ok to call
me?
Answer: Older people
seem to go to extremes -- either making too many demands on a child’s time or
not asking because they “don’t want to be a burden.” Many feel uncomfortable having to ask
children to do basic chores.
Having to give up driving and losing
independence can be devastating emotionally.
Having to make such a big lifestyle adjustment is difficult.
My
mother always said if she couldn’t drive, she didn’t want to be “here.” She drove to the night before her last
illness, at 91+.
It
might be good to plan meals with your mother to make sure she has enough to
last the week. A “menu” will give you guidance as to what she likes -- and
dislikes -- and will enable you to buy a variety. Extra bread and juice should be kept in the
freezer as “reserves.” This way she’ll
never run out.
It
would be even better if you took her to the store and let her pick out what she
wants.
It is
important to realize that the feelings of older people have a direct impact on
both their physical and mental health and well-being. Loss of control and independence -- such as
having to stop driving -- can result in a loss of self-esteem, worth, dignity,
confidence and self respect. Coupled
with loneliness, many older people feel unwanted and unimportant.
By
planning a menu with your mother and taking her to the
store says you love her, are concerned
and that she is important to you.
It also gives her control of her food supply.
It
might be good to keep a quart of juice and loaf of bread in the freezer. Then she won’t run out.
Question: My father, 78,
does everything - shops, cooks and the laundry.
He has done all this for years because my mother has heart problems and
high blood pressure. Just the other day,
I realized my father looks very frail.
When I offered to help, he got mad and insisted that he’s fine.
Answer: You can’t force your father to ask for help. He seems to have a ‘control’ personality and has been in control for many years. Keep a close eye on your parents and do things without being asked. When you go shopping, pick up some basics or special treats for them. When you’re at the house, check the laundry basked and just put in a load of wash.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya,
mail direct to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 552 words; other material = 160 words
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