Globe Syndicate
For
release
The
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
OWN PROBLEMS LIMIT SIBLING
HELP
A
The following are excerpts from a
long letter from a daughter (Ellen - not real name) who is caring for her
77-year-old mother. The mother was
diagnosed with Alzheimer’s three years ago, has diabetes and lives alone in her
own house.
Ellen gets no help from a sister and
brother, both of whom live nearby. Ellen has gotten emotional support from various
community resources and, in spite of everything, maintains a positive
attitude toward her mother and family.
Her story is worth sharing.
“I just heard the term ‘sandwich
generation’ for the first time and found your web site, quite easily, with my
first search. THANK YOU! ...
“I’m very happily married to an
understanding, supportive and caring husband who ‘wants to do the right thing’
regarding caring for my mom. I have a
9-year-old daughter and a Golden Retriever who helps with laundry!
“”... Mom still lives alone ... I
call her between 6 and 10 times a day to make sure she eats and takes her
meds....
“I’m 45 and have an older sister and
brother -- neither of whom is capable of helping with Mom. My sister is the victim of spousal abuse,
emaciated from an eating disorder, has no self-esteem and tops her Christmas tree
with a skull. Now she won’t communicate
with me at all. All I can do is pray for
her.
“My brother’s first wife verbally
abused him so badly that now he can’t answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to any
question. His answers are vague and
noncommittal....Tasks he should easily be able to do for Mom aren’t done
because he has ‘to think about how to do it.”
.... His daughter has been
verbally abusive (through e-mail) and has lectured me about working with the
family to help Mom. .....Her only suggestion for getting us to work together
has been to ‘knock our heads together.’”
“The long road I’ve traveled began
with a family meeting, another family meeting including a respected Aunt and
Uncle, letters asking for specific help, deadlines with consequences,
resentment for having to go to extremes, counseling, forgiveness, and finally
acceptance. Whew! I could write a book (and I may.)
“I’m journaling, attending monthly
support group meetings, taking care of Mom’s finances and legal matters,
contracting for house repairs, researching for more information, continuing
counseling, and keeping myself healthy....
“I feel that my first responsibility
is to my child. My relationship with my
husband... is wrapped around that primary responsibility. Caring for my mother is an honor and a
privilege. I’m going to do my best to
not let the negative influences of other family members deter me from doing
what’s best for Mom. Basically I have to
act as if I were an only child.....
“Thanks for listening......”
Thanks for sharing. Carol
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct
to her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 516 words; other material = 160 words
We would appreciate it if you would include the "Globe Syndicate" bug at the end of the column.