Globe Syndicate
For
release
The Sandwich Generation . . . Helping Your Aging Parents
by Carol Abaya, M.A.
DON’T QUIT WORK TO CARE FOR
MOM
Question: My parents,
late 80s, are very frail and can do little for themselves, except their own
personal care, dressing, etc. They rely
on me for everything. I’m thinking about
quitting my job (six figures) so I can be there for them. There is no one else. Is this a good idea?
Answer: NO! Carved in stone! Do not quit your job. You will not achieve anything positive by
quitting your job and staying home. And
you will cheat yourself big time financially.
Tish
Sommers, founder of OWL, in her book “Women Take Care” says this: “I don’t believe that sacrifice always
deepens affection, especially when there is no option, when there’s no help, or
when help is inadequate, or anytime when the burden is just too heavy to
handle. LOVE DOESN’T GROW WHEN GUILT IS
THE MOTIVATION.”
I very
strongly believe that women should NOT quit working. You can take time off at the end, for
example, using the Family Leave Act, which enables you to take off time from
work and not lose your job.
Staying
home and watching once dynamic people deteriorate, become sicker and “change”
to someone else (in the case of dementia or Alzheimer’s) is emotionally
devastating to the caregiver. Adult
children’s responsibility is to make sure loved ones receive appropriate help
and care. In your case, hire someone to do various chores, grocery shopping,
laundry, etc. This will leave you free
to spend fun time with your parents and will reduce the stress on yourself.
Quitting
work will be a financial disaster for you.
Unpaid labor has no value in terms of the caregiver’s financial
resources or pension benefits. There
will be less money available for your own retirement.
In
situations where young children or teens are involved, the loss of the
caregiver’s income can negatively impact children’s ability to go to
college. Financial aid tends to
accumulate fast and then the newly college grad will already be thousands of
dollars in debt. This snowballs,
negatively impacting the child’s settling down and having a family, saving for
that generation’s children’s college and their own retirement.
Question: My 88-year-old
mother-in-law has lived with us for two years.
She does not want any kind of life outside of our home. My husband works long hours, and we want to
spend time together alone. I can’t
insult her.
Answer: It is your mother-in-law’s choice not to do anything outside the house. It has to be your choice to spend time alone with your husband. Discuss this with your husband and then together with your mother-in-law. Don’t make her problems your problem.
Are you juggling doing errands for your aging parents, your children, yourself and working at the same time? Are you tired, stressed out and upset that your once vibrant parent is now frail and needy?
Do you feel alone? Rest assured you are not alone! The Sandwich Generation is dedicated to the 50 million Americans who may have elder/parent care concerns and/or responsibilities.
* * *
Do
you have a question? Send it in. Although letters cannot be answered
individually, appropriate letters will be answered in this column whenever
possible. Letters may be edited. Send letters to Ms. Carol Abaya, mail direct to
her at
Carol Abaya is an international-award-winning journalist and creator of the unique magazine The Sandwich Generation: You & Your Aging Parents.
NOTES TO EDITORS: text = 544 words; other material = 160 words
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